Today Donald Trump intercepted a call to the North American Aerospace Defense Command, which operates a Santa tracker, from a seven year old girl, to ask her if she still believed in Santa. “Because at seven, it’s marginal, right?” according to report.
Actually, it went something like this:
Trump: “Hello, Vladimir? I’m trying to send you our defense codes but -”
7 year old girl: “Who’s this? I know that voice.”
Trump: “Get off the line, you’re interfering with big business. I’m a very big important business person.”
7 year old: “I’m Cole – ”
T: “Natalie Cole? Very hot. Wanted to sleep with you, but -the skin color thing, not quite right -”
C: “No, I seen you on TV! You said to shut down the govamint! ”
T: “Say, you sound young – younger than Ivanka the night I snuck into her… uh, how old are you?”
C: “I’m seven!”
T: “Well, when you get a little older, I can sit you on my knee and…. You’re not a Mexican or one of those Arab types, are you? If so, you know, we have this program – you don’t need your parents anyway….”
C: “My mommy’s right here!”
T: “Do you know if she wears a baseball cap?”
C: “It’s red!”
T: “My kind of people! Remind her who she loves and I will feel that love! And if she wants to visit me, I may feel her as well. Now, I was in the middle of a hugely and most amazing call to a friend of mine….”
C: “I’m looking for Santa Claus!”
T: “You still believe in Santa? Because at seven, you’re marginal, right?”
C: “I don’t know what that means.”
T: “It means I don’t have to care about you. Nobody cares about you. Your parents don’t care about you. Now go ahead and cry, see if I care? I don’t!”
C: “Why are you so mean?”
T: “‘Cause I’m the biggest most smartest guy in the whole United States, and I can do everything I want, I’m above the law. – Do you know what the law is?
T: “Neither do I. That’s why I hired Giuliani, so he can tell everybody what the law is, and I don’t have to worry about it.”
C: “Mister, can I ask a question?”
T: “Don’t call me just Mister – I’m a very important person! That’s Mister The Donald to you.”
C: “I just wanna know, what is this ‘govamint’ you want to shut down?”
T: “Now that’s unfair, you’re trying to trap me into perjury! I don’t know anything about government, that’s why I’m here.”
C: “Mister the Donald, will you tell me a Santa Claus story?”
T: “I don’t have time for this sh-! Well, all right: ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa gave me all of the toys. I win.”
C: “What happened to Santa?”
T: “I deported him. Now get off the line!”
C: “Boo hoo! mean man, Mommy!”
Mommy: “Hello, who’s making my child cry?!”
T: “Do you work you cow?”
M: “Of course I do!”
T: “Well, I got you your job – I got everybody’s job, it’s a fucking miracle! Now, shut the brat up and hang up the phone – you’re fired!”
M: “Voting Democrat next time!”
T: “You rat! bet you’d cooperate with the cops, too, huh! Well, they’re keeping records in Moscow, they know whose emails to hack!”
Trump slammed down the phone. “‘Voting Democrat!’ That’s the problem with this country, goddam elections. We all know I should be in office for life…. Think of all the millions I can pick up along the way…. Yeah, that’s right, close down the election next time! Close down everything, that’ll show them. Then they’ll know they’ll have to love me, if they want anything at all….” He dropped a couple more Adderall tablets, swallowed down with a Diet Coke, and, as they began to take effect, picked up his Android and began to tweet….
He felt important again – that was all that mattered….
And to all, a good night.