(Due to conflicting schedules, tonight’s town-hall debate between presidential aspirants Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump was actually pre-recorded this morning. Here are some select highlights from the transcript:)
Moderator: The first question is from Mary Voter, addressed to Mrs. Clinton.
Voter: Madame Secretary, how would you address the growing number of children getting raised in poverty in areas of the United States?
Clinton: I have a twelve point program to bring to Congress that provides funds to those areas that would put into place health care clinics and educational support –
Trump: Wrong! I have children, I hgave a lot of children, there are probably a lot of children I don’t know I have, you know, because my Vietnam was a series of beds and I barely got out alive, let me tell you, no STDs –
Mod.: Mr. Trump, please wait for a question addressed to you before interjecting your personal affairs! Now, here’s one from Joe Dimswitch, of Bakersfield California.
Dimswitch: Hey Donald! Love ya, baby! What suggestions you got for a guy on the make in a singles’ bar?
Trump: Here’s an instance of my huge support! I have large numbers of followers like you, and they’re all on the make. Look, just go up to the good-lookers and rub your dick against them. Don’t forget, flash a lot of money at ’em –
Dimswitch: I don’t got a lot of money, I lost my job –
Trump: Then go away, you’re a loser – get him outta here.
Mod.: Another question for you, Mr. Trump, from Marvin Electorate, concerning foreign policy.
Electorate: Mr. Trump what strategy do you have in mind that would include possible use of nuclear weapons in Iraq?
Trump: Strategy? I don’t need no stinking strategy! What are you, a plant? Clinton put you up to this? Is this debate rigged? Let’s talk about my huge support, by bulging manhood, my big brain. You can see from my head-size, right? Big brain, very big.
Clinton: May I address this, because I believe the threat of use of nuclear weapons actually increases the danger in the mid-east –
Trump: Shut up you cow! the risk of you cheating on your husband threatens a big reality TV show in the near future, you know, like Hulk Hogan?
Mod.: Candidates, please, let’s confine our discussion to the issues at hand.
Trump: My dick doesn’t issue anything, like I said, no STDs, okay.
Mod.: Miss Angela Branlass, you wish to ask Mrs. Clinton about her position on women’s issues?
Brainlass: Hillary, do you prefer being on top or doggy-style? And look at this big hunk’o’man beside you, don’t you just want to grab his crotch and give it a squeeze?
Clinton: Miss Branlass, the issues that confront this society –
Trump: See, women want it, too, what can I tell you? Branlass? Great ass, but you could lose a few pounds around the middle. Are those tits real?
Branlass: They are!
Trump: Come around later and I’ll play with ’em a little.
Clinton: Can we please discuss the policy issues this election is really all about?!
Trump: Hillary, chill, bitch, this is a man’s world, learn to live with it. If I were Bill, I’d sleep around, too. Hey, I’m not Bill, but I still sleep around. I even slept with you, Hillary.
Clinton: You did not!
Trump: I never said I did, where’d you get that from? Some immigrant drug-dealer or your Muslim terrorist friends?
Mod.: Mr. Trump! Please, we have a question from James Blacklivesmatter, from Chicago, Illinois.
Blacklivesmatter: This for both candidates, concerning the fraught race relations currently prevailing in the United –
Trump: “Prevailing, prevailing,” oh listen to the fancy talk from the black guy! You go to school for that son? In my administration, don’t worry, we’ll get rid of public schools , replace them all with public prisons. Law and order will make you feel more secure behind bars.
Clinton: I don’t think we can wave away the concerns of African Americans with easy slogans about law and order!
Trump: Wrong! We can do this by getting more white women for the bros! That’s your plan, but that ain’t happening, Crooked Hillary, all the white women are for me! You, too! (Reaches over to grab Clinton’s breast.) Hey, real, no silicon, I’m impressed! (Clinton whacks Trump’s head with the microphone; a hollow ring sounds, but otherwise there’s no reaction.) Women all love that, they love the booby snatch. I’ve done it with Ivanka hundreds of times, she loves a good feel –
Mod.: If we cannot get back to the issues, we may have to close this debate early; Mr. Bob Blowall, you have a question for Mr. Trump?
Blowall: I’m gay, but I love the Donald! Hey can you flash it once for the fellas?
Trump: Sure. (Unzips, pulls out penis.) You can take it in your mouth, but for a couple grand –
Blowall: You mean you’d pay me a couple grand to blow you?
Trump: No, you pay me. My whole idea in life is to get other people to pay me what they want me to pay them. That’s smart, that’s why I’m huge.
Clinton (looking down at Trump’s penis): No, not so huge.
Blowall: Yeah, that’s actually kinda disappointing….
Trump: Well, at least I have a dick!
Clinton (unzips, pulls out 12 inch clitoris): Gag on this, loudmouth!
(It should be noted that by this point, the debate will go off-air; plans are to broadcast a marathon of “Leave It To Beaver” re-runs instead.)